The Curry Contest

THE MERCHANT'S REPORT OF THE DURBAN CURRY COOKOFF
(These are notes from an inexperienced curry taster named The Merchant, who was visiting Durban from Johannesburg.)
"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th visitor at the Radio Lotus Fair in Durban and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a curry cook-off. Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Indians from Durban, Marimuthoo and Sivalingum) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Durban Indian hospitality. They assured me that the curries wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have as much free coldrinks during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event."
*****Curry # 1: Bhen Gori's Bum-Burning Boti Curry
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
The Merchant: Holy cow, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two litres of coke to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Durbanites are crazy!
*****Curry # 2: Aasha Devi's Afterburner Chilli Curry
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of mango pickle. Slight Jalapeno red chilli tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting chicken-tikka flavor, needs more chillies to be taken seriously.
The Merchant: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra cases of chilled coke when they saw the look on my face. *****Curry # 3: Fatima Bibi's Famous Burn Down the Delhi Curry
JUDGE ONE: Excellent Bombay Style curry! Great kick. Needs more sugar-beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red chilli.
The Merchant: Call the paramedics,tell Discovery Health my medical aid card is in my wallet; I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Jik Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Nurse Aunty from Phoenix pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced and I think I may have soiled my briefs, im not sure, since I cant feel anything from the chest down.
*****Curry # 4: Baboo Bhai's Black Magic Curry
JUDGE ONE: Black chilliebean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black chilliebeans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
The Merchant: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Nurse Aunty from Phoenix, the local paramedic (who also sells Samoosa's as a sideline), was standing behind me with fresh refills of chilled coke; that 300 lb. hairy Aunty is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste i'm eating.
*****Curry # 5: Lalita Laloo's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Green chillies freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Curry using mince and paaya; could use more tomato. Must admit the green chillies make a strong statement.
The Merchant: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Nurse Aunty saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring chilled coke directly on it from a pitcher. It really blasts me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those Durbanites!
*****Curry # 6: Vaanmathies Very Vegetarian Vindaloo Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and chillies.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of chillies, onions, and garlic. Superb.
The Merchant: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that big hairy Nurse Aunty. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone! Call the missus and tell her to keep the toilet roll in the freezer.
******Curry # 7: Subashnee's Screaming Sensation Chilli Curry
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on red and green chillies.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chillies at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
The Merchant: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with red curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
*****Curry # 8: Hawa Bibi's Hell-Hath-No-Fury Curry Bomb
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the curry pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor guy. I dont think these guys from Joburg are cut out for our Durban Curries.
The Merchant: ---- (editor's note: comments were totally inappropriate to report.)